When and where did it go wrong? Why life in your 40’s feels pointless….thankless and not how you imagined AND what to do about it.
I often look back to the time in my life a few years ago when I experienced career burnout and a hell of a lot of disharmony in other areas of my life.
When I do reflect, I can see that the symptoms probably lingered around for 4-5 years prior to the time when the pain really kicked in. Like many people I’d seen through my Sports Physio Clinic over the years, you don’t really register the pain until it becomes disabling. Limiting. And once it does, you seem to fixate on it, struggling to do things without it jabbing you in the side all the time.
But this is human nature. We are only wired to act when pain impacts us enough or when we perceive the threat of danger to be great enough. In my case it the impact of my situation on my relationship with my family, my staff, my patients, and most of all myself.
For a highly motivated and energetic person to be dulled and numbed so badly was a real problem for me. It was like the lights were on, but no one was home. Walking around in a fog. Groundhog Day. On the treadmill with no stop button.
Even though it’s not always clear what causes this build up over time, here’s a few of my thoughts now that I’ve got more space, more clarity, more happiness…..working less & living more.
No awareness of my limiting beliefs
Our beliefs dictate our thoughts and behaviours. When your belief drives a behaviour that is negative such as procrastination, we call this a limiting belief. So much of my drive to prioritise work over everything else was driven by an inner belief system that was tainted. Looking back, it stemmed from my parents and a skewed idea that my success as a person and in life was tied to my career success. It’s very difficult to change 70-hour, 80 patient weeks when you aren’t aware of what’s holding you back. Whilst it remains a constant battle to manage this behaviour, I’ve woken up and I know when the “old me” is coming out, and when it does it’s easy to stop and reset.
Not knowing my best self.
To build on the above point. An amazing coach I once worked with asked me, “What are your gifts?” I stood there looking stunned as nothing came to mind. Remember the fog I was talking about? I had no idea what unique gifts and talents I had to offer the world. As it turns out I’ve done some work on this and here’s what my gifts are.
Professional history
Academic capacity
Focus
Intensity
Athletic capacity
Presence
Charisma
Since learning these gifts I’ve become aware that sharing them with others benefits not just them but also me. It’s like an untapped reservoir of vitality and energy. Each day I try to share one of my gifts with someone else. How come I didn’t know about this before?
Also, I had no idea what my values were. Your values guide you and work as your personal code of conduct. Knowing them, why they’re important to you and how to bring them to life is a cornerstone of knowing yourself. Without this info, we are moving through life like a steel ball in a pin ball parlour. Some lucky scores but no real guidance or north star. When something feels good or not us usually whether it’s aligned with my values.
Lastly, getting re-acquainted with your passions. Knowing them and having a plan to access them is where I go to get my ‘feel good’ hit. Many people I’ve coached are so numb they can’t even remember what they are passionate about. If you don’t know yours then I’d suggest sorting it out sooner rather than later.
The take home? Your best self = Gifts + Passions + Values
Not having a plan
Everyone talks about setting goals. Sure it’s important. We need to be connected to the outcome, right? But no-one ever stops to get clarity on what the goal looks like, feels like and what’s required to achieve it. I’ve since learned that a plan involving these things is so important to achieving the goals you set.
Also, once you know your best-self, you can sprinkle parts of it through your plan. This makes you even more deeply connected to it and likely to action it.
Not tailoring my actions towards a plan
I recently read a book called “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. I’ve always been fascinated by why we do what we do. Essentially, we adopt habits in our life that
are consistent with how we perceive ourselves eg. If we see ourselves as fitness fanatics, then out habits might involve going to the gym twice daily.
make our life easier
make our life less painful
provide us pleasure
In short many of our actions and behaviours are on auto-pilot. Not intentional. Not directed and not conscious. Sometimes this is helpful but when you’re trying to change or achieve something new, something different or something out of your comfort zone, actions that aren’t tailored towards your plan will get you no-where fast. Worse, it can move you backwards.
That’s why having a system where you are consciously and intentionally directing your actions towards your plan is key. When was the last time you decided to do something new that required a significant behavioural change daily or weekly?
I’ve since started living with intention. It’s incredible what you can muster up with some tailored action in your life. If you haven’t heard of what it means to ‘manifest’ something, then I suggest you google it and start doing it.
In short, no one can truly say how to avoid the pitfalls of burnout and a life that isn’t what you wanted it to be. Here’s a few things for sure though
Your life is your responsibility…no one else’s.
You only get one life…why not live it on your terms?
Will it take a health scare, heart attack, divorce or breakdown for you to get your arse into gear?
The problem doesn’t go away just by wishing it away.
Getting help is the quickest and easiest way to get back on track
Feel free to use the above ideas to try and better your current situation. We’re always here to help if you need it….Reach out to us here or email us on hello@purposeandflow.com.au
Cheers Josh